Entry 57: Cherishing Embarrassing and Annoying Moments

So I keep having these dreams where I’m having conversations with my dad. It’s normal conversation, him asking me where I’m going, where my dogs are, or if I could pass him the soy sauce. Then I wake up, confused, and then sad after realizing that it was a dream.

My dad’s stroke was pretty bad. He had a stroke on the left side of the brain which affected the right side of his body. On the plus side, he’s out of the hospital and at a rehabilitation center. According to my mom, he’s made a lot of good progress.

I’m going to get religious here for a second. This whole thing with my dad has made me realize that while there are things that we can resolve on our own, there are some things that we just have to  (as Carrie Underwood put it) let Jesus take the wheel.

It takes a certain amount of humility to accept this, and acknowledge one’s powerlessness and reliance on a higher power that is.  And so, I’ve been doing a lot of prayer these past few weeks, not in a resentful Why God ?!? kind of way, but in the way that is trying to understand that while I may want my dad to bounce back to normal and live forever, everything is in God’s hands.

Praying has made dealing with things a little better, but it still sucks.  I have come to the realization that things  will probably never be the same. Conversations will never be the same.   Which is funny that this is the thing I feel myself missing considering interactions with my dad would always annoy me, especially the older I got.  When I was younger, we would laugh at his jokes, but as I grew up, my patience for his cheesiness and his foreignness waned, even causing embarrassment when we were in public.

During a visit to the desert,  my dad asked a lady at the grocery store if she was Mexican. She was bagging our groceries and looked at my dad with confusion, like she wasn’t sure what she just heard. She was black.

Are you Mexican? He repeated himself. She gave him another confused look, perhaps thinking she hadn’t heard right considering his thick Filipino accent. I tried to get him/us out of the grocery store before he could ask again.

Dad…. Dad!!!., lets go.  

He repeated his question a second time, this time slowly as if he was being considerate of his imperfect English.  Are you a Mexican? 

Dad! Lets GOOO!

This time, the grocery store bagger had heard him, but fortunately didn’t make anything of it. She smiled and shook her head no, probably giving him a pass for being old and foreign.

As we left the grocery store, I was embarrassed. Why was it necessary to know what ethnicity she was? You don’t just ask people weird questions like that. I told my dad.

I was curious. I just wanted to know. 

But that was my dad for you, and even though I was frustrated and still feel myself feeling a little riled thinking about it, at the end of the day – it doesn’t really matter. Now I find myself saddened by the fact that I might possibly never have an annoying conversation or embarrassing interaction with him again.

So, if I can provide some word of advise,  it is this: cherish the people you love for everything they are, including that which is annoying, embarrassing, and imperfect. It is these things (along with the good stuff) that make a person who they are and what you might find yourself missing, like I feel myself missing with my dad.

Things I like this week

Peaky Blinders Season 4 – This show is great if you like gangster shows and like that era of 1920s Birmingham (even though I read that the real Peaky Blinders existed in in the 1890’s). The cast is amazing, and Tom Hardy makes a few appearances and I love me some Tom Hardy.

Chapstick – So I didn’t realize how much I love chapsticks and lipbalms until I was cleaning out my bags and found a handfull of them in a few of them. Opening my linen closet, I found a few unopened ones. Generally I like  Chapstick Total Hyrdration or the Vaseline Lip Therapy (in Cocoa Butter); those two make my lips feel like it took a big sip of water and keeps it staying hydrated for longer than the normal chapstick. I did end up opening the Sun Bum Lip Balm in Coconut, and while this doesn’t have as long of a lasting hydration, and it goes on smoothly and smells like Hawaiian Coconut Shaved Ice.

Robert Mondavi Cab. Sav. Bourbon Barred Aged – I generally like Robert Mondavi wines, but this particular wine intrigued me because of the whole Bourbon aged thing. After a few days, I completely forgot why I thought it was special to begin with and mindlessly opened the bottle while watching tv, took of the sip of wine, and was like… oohhhh. My attention immediately went from the tv to how delicious the wine was.

Things not to get:

Lip Scrubs –  I was always intrigued with lip scrubs, and ended up caving and buying one from Ulta that was supposed to be the flavor of Watermelon. Don’t bother with buying. It doesn’t even taste that great and doesn’t even do a great job of scrubbing your lips and taking all the dead skin off. You’re better off using a wedge of lemon coated with sugar.

Anyways, I hope everyone has a great rest of the week. Nothing new is going on with me. This is the week I go to Costco. I know, so exciting.

Until next time…

 

 

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Entry 57: Cherishing Embarrassing and Annoying Moments

Entry 56: Fitness Friday – The Temptation of Fried Chicken

Ever since moving to the desert, I’ve been trying to be more fit. Sure, I worked out while in Washington, but having a desk job with coworkers who had endless supplies of Hershey kisses and snacks (… oh wait that was me), coupled with cold weather that made me just want to huddle in a blanket and eat, didn’t help.

Being a lulu in warm weather does help. I have more time to meal prep, more time to work out, and I’m not on my ass all day. But the struggle is still there. I, like a lot of Americans, love food.

Yes, it’s true that I’m a petite Asian girl trying stay active, but from time to time, I do find myself drooling over instagram pictures revolving #dessertbae and #foodporn.

I’ve done pretty well at resisting, but lately I’ve been thinking a lot about fried chicken. At least once every other week, husband will hear something along the lines of Do you smell that? Fried chicken!  or You know what sounds really good? Fried chicken. Every time I go grocery shopping the smell of it permeates through the product aisle as I’m shopping for friggin lettuce.  It’s been a while since I’ve had it, and while find myself referencing it quite frequently,  I secretly have this fear that I have it hyped up in my head and that with one bite I’ll be disappointed.  Should I keep on resisting it? Or cave on my next cheat meal? I don’t know!

Anyways, the point I am trying to make is that being healthy takes a lot of hard work and discipline to try be fit and eat healthy.  They say that what you eat is 75% of what it takes to help you make your fitness goals, that includes eating balanced, portioned meals. So if you work out 2-3 hours, but eat like shit then… it’s probably not helping your fitness goals.  I want to say I have eating healthy down pretty okay, with some room for improvement, but boy – fried chicken sure does sound good sometimes.

Anyway, even thought I’m not a fitness expert/pro/guru, I’ll end this with a fitness tip that I’ve been trying to implement in my workout routines:

Switching Up Your Cardio 

I like to start my workouts with 10 to 15 minutes of some form of cardio, whether it’s running outside, running on the tread, doing the bike – just to get my body warmed up and the heart pumping. It’s easy to get into a routine of doing just one type of cardio workout like the treadmill, or elliptical, but the theory is – while you may gain more of an endurance for the one cardio you do, your body becomes more efficient in it’s use of energy, and doesn’t shed as many calories at the same rate that it used to.  Switching up cardio will keep your body working to shed those calories effectively,  preventing from get into a plateau.

So, if you’re feeling adventurous, switch it up. Run outside, do the bike, or jump rope, or do some jumping jacks and burpees. I recently started jump roping and find that I quite enjoy it.

Entry 56: Fitness Friday – The Temptation of Fried Chicken

Entry 55: Shots for Eeerbody!

This morning I was watching some highlights of the National Championship game (I fell asleep after half time) and at the end, the Freshmen QB from Hawaii who was put in during the second half,  was interviewed after his game winning TD.

The interviewer asked him a question about what was going through his mind after finding out he was going to play in the National Championship, and he was like My parents are going to get mad but… and then proceeds to thank God.

You can imagine how that made my little Catholic heart feel: in the midst of arguably being the hero in a championship game, in the most selflessly poised way possible… gives props to Jesus, and then gives props to his teammates.

Knowing me, I would be like..OMG! I won! OMGeeeee!!  Shots for eeerr body!!! aaaaahhh!!!! and probably be jumping up and down uncontrollably, looking for a champagne bottle to pop.

But what a great kid.  He must have some parents to raise a kid that doesn’t want to get them mad while on national tv. Most kids would be like… shit, I’m 18, I do what I want! I say what I want… biotch!

There’s so much stuff going on in the world that raising children in the midst of it seems daunting, but the world needs good parents who raise good kids. It’s a bigger responsibility than anyone thinks of when they think they want kids, that beyond feeding them and wiping their butts, you have a responsibility to society to not create shit human beings.

But that’s why I give kuddos to all the parents out there laying good foundations, teaching their kids morals and values, the difference between right and wrong, the importance of hard work, and all the other little things I may be missing. I can only hope that when the time comes, if we’re so blessed, we’ll be able to do the same to where if someone saw our kid, they’d be like wow, that’s a great a kid. 

Things I like this week

Tarte Shape Tape Concealor: I know I’m late to this Shape Tape craze, but this is quite possibly the best concealer I’ve tried, ever.  Actually, I’m usually like, yea whatever it’s just a concealer that’s supposed to highlight and maybe hide spots… but this one has set the standard of what I need in my life. It easily covered up veins on my wrist with one swatch. Highly recommend for a full coverage concealor

“You Look Good” – Lady Antebellum – Ever since husband got a truck, we’ve been listening to country. At first it was a joke, because listening to country is such the stereotypical thing to do when you get a truck. But then I actually started liking it, and now I listen to country music 75% of the time. It’s a complete 180 from the hiphop/r&b/pop I would saturate my ears with, but a lot of country is actually really good; it gets stuck in your head, and you start humming it,  then you realize – holy shit, is a good song.

Anyways, this is my song when I get ready in the morning or when I work out, running, doing butt exercises, etc etc…  It’s my confidence booster, and you know what they say…  confidence is the key to looking/being a boss.

Glad the Holidays Are Over – I finally took down my Christmas decor the other day.  I love Christmas and everything, but am also glad when things can finally go back to a routine. Only 11 more months til Christmas. lol

The Marvelous Mrs Maisel The first episode started off kind of slow, but I decided to give this another try since it did earn a few awards.  The main character in the show played an escort in House of Cards. For whatever reason, I can’t get that out of my head while I’m watching the show, but it’s good.

Anyways, I hope everyone has an amazing week. It’s 80 in the desert. I know, everyone who doesn’t live in sunny weather probably hates me. Or not. I don’t know. But if you do and if it makes you feel better, my eyes are really dry because of the weather.

Until next time.

Entry 55: Shots for Eeerbody!

Entry 54: Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018

How about them 2017 Goals ?!?

Were you like me and completely forgot about them, or gave up on them after week 2? I don’t even remember the specifics of my 2017 goals. Probably something a long the lines of writing my epic novella, being serious about photography, or finding some other calling that made my creative heart leap with joy.

Obviously, that didn’t happen.

As 2017 has drawn to a close, I reflect over what happened with last year’s goals, One thing is I can honestly say is that I didn’t even really try. Sure, I took a picture here and there, sat at a Starbucks to attempt to write, but I didn’t seriously try – like my life depended on it, because it didn’t.

That’s the thing about goals, if it’s not a dire situation, then you don’t necessarily have to do them. We may want the end result of a goal, but consistently facing the challenges to achieve it is the difficult part. So as I’m thinking about last years goals, and thinking about this years goals – I ask myself do I really want it? Like really want these goals, like I wanted Fenty beauty foundation after finding that my color wasn’t at the Bellevue Square Sephora? I went out of my way to 3 other Sephoras to get the color I needed. I realize now that I could’ve just bought it online and waited.

With my goals this year, I am going to change this whole attitude of well, I don’t really have to do this so… because yea, I don’t have to, but no one makes progress by just thinking about how nice it be to make a goal or being too afraid of taking risks; progress is made by doing and just diving in. That’s the attitude I’m going to take with this year. Wish me luck.

Things I like this week:

American Vandal : If you like crime investigation shows like podcasts like Serial or crime, and also have a sense of humor, you’ll like this show. The show is a spoof that revolves around the investigation of who spraypainted dicks on the teacher’s cars?  Highly recommend.

Bright : This is the new netflix movie with Will Smith. I was hesitant about watching this as there were a lot of negative reviews, but I watched it, and it wasn’t the best movie, but it wasn’t that bad, but maybe it wasn’t that bad because I expected it to be horrible. Like Twighlight.

Green Tea Mochi – I finally made my green tea mochi for New Years. Last time I made this cake I added too much matcha, because I was like.. why not? but it ended up disgusting. This time, I did the correct consistency, and it was legit. I’m sure there’s a million green tea mochi recipes out there, but this one seemed to work. Plus, this blogger has other times of mochi cake recipes, like chocolate, and blueberry, and bacon maple mochi cake…  mmmm….mochi

Anyways, I hope everyone had a fun and safe New or Years. I was skeptical over whether or not I would make it til midnight, but I did it. I actually stayed up til 1 am 🙂 I’m still fun

Until next time…

 

Entry 54: Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018

Entry 53: when you’re with someone for 10 years

This month marks 10 years since me and husband started dating.

10 years.

People who have been together longer are probably like.. pssh… wait til you’re together for 20 years, or 50. But honestly, it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long ago. Then I remember that it’s 2017, and I do the math, and then I’m like… oh shit, it’s been like….a decade.

I still remember the newness of our early dating days – the back and forth flirtation, the butterflies that fluttered whenever we looked at each other, never wanting our time together to end.

Husband would drop me off in the wee hours of the morning, park his car, and as J Holiday’s Suffocate played on XM radio (it was somehow on every time he dropped me off) I would then do this whole cheesy I’m going to miss you thing. Even though we were more than likely going to see each other the next day, it was a process that lasted at least 30 minutes.

Fast forward to now, if one of us is lingering while dropping the other off, it’s like did you forget something? Because this is kind of wasting gas. 

Or if we googly eye each other for too long its like, why are you looking at me funny? Is there something on my face? 

I suppose that is how it goes with any relationship: there’s the honeymoon stage, which then cools down as being around the other person becomes normal. Until eventually, making an effort to date the other person seems to take a backseat as other things take priority.

I wish 10 years of being with someone made me an expect on relationships, but all I can say is that it is work. Probably the hardest thing is making it a priority to continue to ‘date’ your spouse, in the midst of all the other priorities that seem to stack up. We often find ourselves finding a reason to put making an effort off – but I think it’s important to try, even with little gestures.

Which is why… after I write this, sometime today, I’m going to chromecast J Holiday’s Suffocate, and googly eye my husband. 🙂 He’ll probably ask me why Im looking at him funny, but I don’t care… I’m googley eying away.

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Things I like this week:

Ponds Cleanser Make Remover I didn’t pack this when I went to Seattle since I didn’t check in a bag, and there’s a ounce limit when it comes to carrying lotions on a plane. After 2 weeks, I sorely missed it. I was a little hesitant about using this since it’s something my mom might use (God forbid I use anything my mom uses) but figured, hey it’s $5 – I’ll try it, and if I don’t like it, it’s $5.  I haven’t used anything else to remove make-up since.  It moisturizes while removing more make-up than a normal face wipe. It’s a bit messy, but I like it. And for those of you who only buy things because celebrities use it, apparently, it’s a Kylie Jenner fave.

Green Tea Mochi Cake -okay, this is more of something I’m craving.  I’ve been really good with eating clean, but when wanting something like mochi cake,  am faced with the dilemma of making a whole cake when I really only need a piece.

Anyways,  I hope everyone had a great Christmas. Christmas plans got altered since my parents ended up not visiting us,  but it was chill. For new years it’ll probably be the same.

Until next time …

Entry 53: when you’re with someone for 10 years

Entry 52: Do you need some chapstick?

I’m not going to lie. This past week has been rough. Every day, I’ve been going to the hospital to see my dad who is still in a hospital bed even as I leave to go home. One thing has happened after another, complications have been coming up, keping him there longer than I thought he would be.

Why can’t old people just go like in The Notebook? Just live to like 100 + years old, and fall asleep when the time comes. I know,  I realize that I’ve just ruined the ending for those of you who haven’t seen it, but it’s a movie you should’ve already seen a million moons ago. I’m not going to apologize

But life isn’t like a movie; it’s rough and full of challenges, and not everyone has a Ryan Gosling in every scene of their life.

Hospitals aren’t like Grey’s Anatomy, either.  Dr. McSteamys or McDreamys are not running all over the place saving lives. At least, I haven’t seen any at the hospital my dad is at. Not that that matters in this situation, and it really shouldnt surprise me. Im just saying.

Real life can suck, and dealing with aging parents and their health problems definitely forces you to experience life in such a way that can make you thoughtful about things, reset your priorities, and change perspectives on life.

If you have held the perspective that Ive been taking this with stride, I would say that is partly true, but it is also partly due to my ability to put up a front. There are times when I feel like I have found acceptance with the situation, but then not even 5 minutes later, am not sure how to deal.

I had one of those moments when I was sitting by the ledge of my dad’s hospital room one night,looking at a window that saw darkness and I started to cry.

I was drained and upset, and ultimately feeling alone. Like I was in this big ditch I didnt know how to get out of.

It was at that moment that some nurses walked in to check up on my dad.

Nurse:  Oh no. are you okay? do you need anything ? tissue? chapstick? 

Me : maybe some tissue since my makeup might be smeared

I suddenly became self-conscious over the fact that I might have chappy lips.

DI look like I need chapstick?

I didn’t need chapstick, a nurse had explained. It was just something they had a stash of and were offering me in comfort. But still, even after they left, a part of me was concerned over having chapped lips.

I found myself searching for one of my 3 chapsticks that I had at hand, and by the time I found one of them and  satisfactorily hydrated my lips, my need to wallow in the previous feels had subsided

Maybe it was coincidence, maybe it was fate, but the nurses coming in when they did reminded me of the fact that we’re never really alone. Even though it might feel like we are, we are all linked somehow, we just got to let ourselves to be vulnerable in order to be helped, and also help when we see people who might need it.

A lot of emo thoughts going on there. On some more positive note, some things I like:

Pho – This past week I’ve had pho 3 times. Seattle has perfect pho weather. There is one good pho spot in the desert, but it’s so warm in the desert, you give off so much heat after leaving the restaurant from the carbs and the heat, that it’s not as enjoyable.

Godless – I’m only on episode 3, but it’s great. I’m glad Hollywood is making a few westerns.

The Magicians Season 2 – It’s like Harry Potter goes to college. I’ve killed through Season 2 on netflix this past week that I’ve been here. It’s not the best show, but a good show to help you pass the time in between the shows that you’re waiting for.

Top Pot Doughnuts  I’m also not a doughnut person, but I had one bite of this doughnut, and my eyes literally rolled back.

Anyways ways, I hope everyone has a good rest of the week . I will be heading home to the desert, but am hoping to make it back within the next month or two.

Until next time.

 

 

 

Entry 52: Do you need some chapstick?

Entry 51: Hello, Seattle.

There’s something about walking on a sidewalk with your rolling luggage, and a lady throwing a bunch of breadcrumbs  in front of you, so that a flock of pigeons fly in the pathway that you plan on walking through ( aghhh… fucking pigeons!) that says – welcome to Seattle.

For a second I thought about going on the street and walking around the birds, but ended up being like…you know what? these are pigeons, and I am a human being and thus on top of nature’s food chain. I am going to walk through this horde of pigeons and if any one of them gets hurt…well… survival of the fittest. Maybe theyre not cut out for this world.

Seattle isnt as cold as I thought it would be. I was afraid that my thin desert adapted blood would go in crisis mode and wouldn’t know what to do, but thus far, I’m surviving. Plus, this colder weather makes it seem a little more like the holidays to me. Everywhere I look, people are coated in their marmot jackets and wrapped in infinity scarves, cupping their coffee like a lifeline. So many marmot jackets.

Yesterday, I rode in a friend’s Tesla. It was a car-ride full of so many questions. Is it okay that I bring my bubble tea in here? Is there wi-fi in this car? Can you google  search stuff? Have you self-parked it before? Is that the speed gauge?  It looks like heart monitor. So the car is going to turn off when you walk away?  I know some people are like yea, whatever- it’s just a Tesla. Be cool, Winter. Be coo.  I probably sounded like an ignorant small-townie… which I am when it comes to that sort of stuff, but having never been in anything so techy, and being tech challenged, I was impressed. It felt like I had so much responsibility just by being in the car, like I shouldn’t adjust my weight to one side lest the windows might roll down.

Anyways, I finally saw my dad yesterday. He had a feeding tube down his nose and at first kind of just looked at me. I asked him a bunch of questions – hows it going dad. (nod) you doing okay (nod). Is that thing up your nose okay (nod) you want to look at pictures (nod) 

It was a cycle of me asking him questions and him nodding and being unexpressive. I don’t know if he was just nodding because that’s all he could do, but I ended up playing him some music, some old Filipino songs that he would karaoke to when I was kid.  As I sat on the floor next to his bed (there was a plug at his bed, and my phone was at 2% and needed charging) his hand began tapping to the music and then tapped my head, then touch my face. It was a touch that lingered for a while.

I had wondered what would be the moment when I would start crying, and for sure thought that it would be when I walked into his room and saw him lying in his hospital bed. But, it was this moment when the music that I didn’t understand the lyrics to was playing and his hand lingered on my face ( like I was the one needing comforting in this situation) that  flooded me with memories of me being a kid again, tearing down whatever wall I was trying to keep up.

I know, so emotional. Aghh. I’m trying no to look sad at the coffee shop that I’m at and trying to remind myself not to make a scene since I’m in public. I kind of made eye contact with a guy with a black eye. I was just staring into space and somehow, fate locked our eyes and I was like.. oh shit, look away. don’t stare.

Things that I like:

The Punisher. Probably the best of netflix marvel series that they have out there. Seriously, Shane (I don’t know his real name so I call him Shane from Walking Dead) does such a good job in that role.

Seattle City Christmas Lights : Like I said, it feels a lot like the holidays here because of the weather, but also – they light the city up with Christmas lights a little more

Urban Decay Ultimate Basics  I have so many eye shadow pallets, but I recently got this, and it’s such a versatile basic pallet. If that makes sense.  Right now, my new go-to.

Fenty Beauty Foundation – I was trying out makeup at Sephora the other day. I’m usually pretty careful when it comes to make-up, especially when celebrities are attached to it.  But omg. This product goes on light, but when sets into your skin has completely full coverage. I even put a darker shade on my had first, then tried a lighter shade and that completely covered the darker shade. The line comes in a wide spectrum of shades.  Highly recommend.

Anyways, that’s all I can think of right now.  Until next time…

Entry 51: Hello, Seattle.