I found myself Facebook stalking the other day.
I know, Facebook stalking should be beneath me, but it happens. Even when you don’t have all the time in the world, it happens. Sometimes, that curiosity of who’s this chick that so and so is dating ? or Whatever happened to that one guy who I thought was the coolest? I guess he’s not so cool anymore… – gets the better of me.
The FB stalking started off with me looking at a friends’ status update, which led me to me going on to seeing who ‘liked’ their comment, which led to me seeing their friends’ list, which then led me to seeing who the friends of the friends were.
It was a snowball effect that in reality took 20 minutes of my life, but long story short – I happened to come across the page of this guy who I had gone to high school with.
You might be thinking: ooo, what’s his name? Was he cute? Did u you have a crush on him? Is he a complete loser now? Do I know him?!?!
Questions which I will leave unanswered. What I will say is, I had a few classes with him; he was part of the cool kids club so he didn’t really talk to me, except on occasion to ask me to pass him a syllabus or something to that effect.
Of the few rare times that he graced my ears with his words, there was one interaction that stuck with me.
You can’t everything your way, Winter
I don’t quite remember the whole context of why it was said. All I remember was thinking, what the fuck are you talking about?
It was the most random, negative thing that anyone had said to me at that point in life. It would be one thing if this was said by someone who knew me, talked to me on a regular basis, and was giving me a reality check, but he had barely talked to me throughout high school; he was completely basing his summary of me on 3rd person perspectives made during math class. So yes, if by having things my way he meant, I always wanted A’s in life.. I would have to agree with that.
But I don’t think that’s what he meant, and 15 years later, when I think of it, it still bugs me that I don’t know what the fuck he was talking about.
A part of me wishes I could ask him so I can finally be at peace with it, and then I would tell him all the reasons why he got it all wrong (I volunteer at church! I help kids! One time when I was like, lets go hangout at this place and my friend was like.. no-I kind of want to go here…and I was totally okay with it and we did what she wanted to do!).
The other part of me is just like, It doesn’t matter. Get over it Winter – it was 15 years ago.
In all seriousness, while I am dwelling on this now, I really rarely dwell on it at all; it only comes up when I FB stalk and come across his page ;). While I do get a little riled about it, I can’t help but wonder if there was any truth to what he said. i start thinking thoughts about how I see myself as a person, and whether or not my actions reflect my own self-perception. It could be that while I didn’t think I was that kid who wanted things their way all the time, he-who-is-unnamed perhaps saw me in instances where I was. Or maybe he just interpreted it all wrong. I don’t know.
What I do know, is that I have no control over what happened or how I was 15 years ago, and life happens and people change, so there is no use on dwelling on the past. I can only control my actions and who I am as a person now, which I hope portrays me as the awesome person I think I am. I get not everyone is going to think that, but that’s okay, because the people and friends that matter will.