Have you ever found yourself making deals with God/Jesus?
I used to do it a lot in my younger years
Please Jesus, if I get an A on this test – I will give the next homeless person I see $10.
God, if you please let this happen, I will promise to go to church 50 times in a row
A majority of my prayers revolved around grades and boys, issues detrimentally important to the teenage me. However,I came to the realization that asking God to fix my grades and boy problems was kind of ridiculous in the grand scheme of life. Why would God care about why ‘Steve’ didn’t say hi to me when I passed by his locker? or help me get a 4.0 in everything, when there were kids dying in Africa? The older I got, these negotiating prayers occurred less and less.
Last week, I found myself bargaining with God for the first time in a long while. It had been a rough week, one that I promised God if this gets better, I will go to confession.
I won’t go into details of how or why it was rough, but by Saturday – it did get better and I found myself faced with the question of whether or not I should actually go through with what I had promised. Technically only God knew I made the promise, and he was forgiving of everything… so that meant I didn’t have to go right?
The truth is, I don’t particularly like confession. It’s kind of like going into detention, but not. Instead if a pruc to a priest, the one person you’re supposed to put your halo on whenever your see them.
I ended up going, and while I was at first anxious and scared, it was a liberating experience, as it always is during the handful of times that I had done it.
It did leave me with a few thoughts: why are old people the only ones who usually go to confession? Is it because they’re nearing the end of their life and they think oh shit, I need to be as sin-free as possible before I die ? I suppose those who don’t see the end of life in sight, don’t have that same sense of urgency. Or perhaps the importance of religion and going to confession has faded. I don’t know.
What I do know is that confession has always been something I feared, in part because I tend to avoid facing and coming to to terms with my imperfection.