Entry 52: Do you need some chapstick?

I’m not going to lie. This past week has been rough. Every day, I’ve been going to the hospital to see my dad who is still in a hospital bed even as I leave to go home. One thing has happened after another, complications have been coming up, keping him there longer than I thought he would be.

Why can’t old people just go like in The Notebook? Just live to like 100 + years old, and fall asleep when the time comes. I know,  I realize that I’ve just ruined the ending for those of you who haven’t seen it, but it’s a movie you should’ve already seen a million moons ago. I’m not going to apologize

But life isn’t like a movie; it’s rough and full of challenges, and not everyone has a Ryan Gosling in every scene of their life.

Hospitals aren’t like Grey’s Anatomy, either.  Dr. McSteamys or McDreamys are not running all over the place saving lives. At least, I haven’t seen any at the hospital my dad is at. Not that that matters in this situation, and it really shouldnt surprise me. Im just saying.

Real life can suck, and dealing with aging parents and their health problems definitely forces you to experience life in such a way that can make you thoughtful about things, reset your priorities, and change perspectives on life.

If you have held the perspective that Ive been taking this with stride, I would say that is partly true, but it is also partly due to my ability to put up a front. There are times when I feel like I have found acceptance with the situation, but then not even 5 minutes later, am not sure how to deal.

I had one of those moments when I was sitting by the ledge of my dad’s hospital room one night,looking at a window that saw darkness and I started to cry.

I was drained and upset, and ultimately feeling alone. Like I was in this big ditch I didnt know how to get out of.

It was at that moment that some nurses walked in to check up on my dad.

Nurse:  Oh no. are you okay? do you need anything ? tissue? chapstick? 

Me : maybe some tissue since my makeup might be smeared

I suddenly became self-conscious over the fact that I might have chappy lips.

DI look like I need chapstick?

I didn’t need chapstick, a nurse had explained. It was just something they had a stash of and were offering me in comfort. But still, even after they left, a part of me was concerned over having chapped lips.

I found myself searching for one of my 3 chapsticks that I had at hand, and by the time I found one of them and  satisfactorily hydrated my lips, my need to wallow in the previous feels had subsided

Maybe it was coincidence, maybe it was fate, but the nurses coming in when they did reminded me of the fact that we’re never really alone. Even though it might feel like we are, we are all linked somehow, we just got to let ourselves to be vulnerable in order to be helped, and also help when we see people who might need it.

A lot of emo thoughts going on there. On some more positive note, some things I like:

Pho – This past week I’ve had pho 3 times. Seattle has perfect pho weather. There is one good pho spot in the desert, but it’s so warm in the desert, you give off so much heat after leaving the restaurant from the carbs and the heat, that it’s not as enjoyable.

Godless – I’m only on episode 3, but it’s great. I’m glad Hollywood is making a few westerns.

The Magicians Season 2 – It’s like Harry Potter goes to college. I’ve killed through Season 2 on netflix this past week that I’ve been here. It’s not the best show, but a good show to help you pass the time in between the shows that you’re waiting for.

Top Pot Doughnuts  I’m also not a doughnut person, but I had one bite of this doughnut, and my eyes literally rolled back.

Anyways ways, I hope everyone has a good rest of the week . I will be heading home to the desert, but am hoping to make it back within the next month or two.

Until next time.





Entry 51: Hello, Seattle.

There’s something about walking on a sidewalk with your rolling luggage, and a lady throwing a bunch of breadcrumbs  in front of you, so that a flock of pigeons fly in the pathway that you plan on walking through ( aghhh… fucking pigeons!) that says – welcome to Seattle.

For a second I thought about going on the street and walking around the birds, but ended up being like…you know what? these are pigeons, and I am a human being and thus on top of nature’s food chain. I am going to walk through this horde of pigeons and if any one of them gets hurt…well… survival of the fittest. Maybe theyre not cut out for this world.

Seattle isnt as cold as I thought it would be. I was afraid that my thin desert adapted blood would go in crisis mode and wouldn’t know what to do, but thus far, I’m surviving. Plus, this colder weather makes it seem a little more like the holidays to me. Everywhere I look, people are coated in their marmot jackets and wrapped in infinity scarves, cupping their coffee like a lifeline. So many marmot jackets.

Yesterday, I rode in a friend’s Tesla. It was a car-ride full of so many questions. Is it okay that I bring my bubble tea in here? Is there wi-fi in this car? Can you google  search stuff? Have you self-parked it before? Is that the speed gauge?  It looks like heart monitor. So the car is going to turn off when you walk away?  I know some people are like yea, whatever- it’s just a Tesla. Be cool, Winter. Be coo.  I probably sounded like an ignorant small-townie… which I am when it comes to that sort of stuff, but having never been in anything so techy, and being tech challenged, I was impressed. It felt like I had so much responsibility just by being in the car, like I shouldn’t adjust my weight to one side lest the windows might roll down.

Anyways, I finally saw my dad yesterday. He had a feeding tube down his nose and at first kind of just looked at me. I asked him a bunch of questions – hows it going dad. (nod) you doing okay (nod). Is that thing up your nose okay (nod) you want to look at pictures (nod) 

It was a cycle of me asking him questions and him nodding and being unexpressive. I don’t know if he was just nodding because that’s all he could do, but I ended up playing him some music, some old Filipino songs that he would karaoke to when I was kid.  As I sat on the floor next to his bed (there was a plug at his bed, and my phone was at 2% and needed charging) his hand began tapping to the music and then tapped my head, then touch my face. It was a touch that lingered for a while.

I had wondered what would be the moment when I would start crying, and for sure thought that it would be when I walked into his room and saw him lying in his hospital bed. But, it was this moment when the music that I didn’t understand the lyrics to was playing and his hand lingered on my face ( like I was the one needing comforting in this situation) that  flooded me with memories of me being a kid again, tearing down whatever wall I was trying to keep up.

I know, so emotional. Aghh. I’m trying no to look sad at the coffee shop that I’m at and trying to remind myself not to make a scene since I’m in public. I kind of made eye contact with a guy with a black eye. I was just staring into space and somehow, fate locked our eyes and I was like.. oh shit, look away. don’t stare.

Things that I like:

The Punisher. Probably the best of netflix marvel series that they have out there. Seriously, Shane (I don’t know his real name so I call him Shane from Walking Dead) does such a good job in that role.

Seattle City Christmas Lights : Like I said, it feels a lot like the holidays here because of the weather, but also – they light the city up with Christmas lights a little more

Urban Decay Ultimate Basics  I have so many eye shadow pallets, but I recently got this, and it’s such a versatile basic pallet. If that makes sense.  Right now, my new go-to.

Fenty Beauty Foundation – I was trying out makeup at Sephora the other day. I’m usually pretty careful when it comes to make-up, especially when celebrities are attached to it.  But omg. This product goes on light, but when sets into your skin has completely full coverage. I even put a darker shade on my had first, then tried a lighter shade and that completely covered the darker shade. The line comes in a wide spectrum of shades.  Highly recommend.

Anyways, that’s all I can think of right now.  Until next time…