Entry 61 : The Kylie Jenner Preggo Mystery Solved… We can Move On, I think

Confession : These past few months I have been trying to wrap my head around the mystery of whether or not Kylie Jenner was pregnant.

I know, how could I waste my time engrossed in something so irrelevant in my own life? Granted, it’s not like I spent all day, every day trying to figure it out (I would like to think I I have more of a life than that) but every so once in a while, I would come across something on my social media feed that would suck me in to this black hole of youtube videos and tmz photos of Kylie Jenner/Kylie Jenner look-a-likes in over-sized hoodies. One picture would lead to another, that would lead to a video, that would lead to another picture, and after 30 minutes of going into this loop, I still was left with the question of is she? or isn’t she?

It’s not like I even like the Kardashians. I know some people like to watch their show as their guilty pleasure, but I can’t. And it’s not just them, I generally don’t really keep up with celebrity news and Hollywood gossip and am usually the one who’s like Wait, who is this person? and how are they famous?

But the mystery of whether or not Kylie Jenner was pregnant sucked me in and it was uncertain whether I would stop caring.

Thankfully, a video was a released a few days ago revealing the truth of the matter, and now I can stop spending my life on trying to figure it out. While I read somewhere that she had shied away from the media because she wanted to keep it private, it has left me wondering if that really was the reason, or if it was some sort of strategic scheme to suck people like me in. I mean, I want to believe the former, but I don’t know. They are, after all, reality stars who monetize on their perceived relevancy in the world.

I won’t pass judgement on her. Maybe she really was just ready to be a mom, which often times is not the case with most girls her age. I just hope that young girls who look up to her won’t start having babies just because Kylie Jenner did. I mean, I’m not a parent, but I feel like there’s so much more to being a one than doing it because a celebrity does.

Anyways, a few things I like this week:

Justin Timberlake Half-Time Performance – Let me start by saying that I don’t really like his new album Man of the Woods. I mean, there are few songs that I think I can grow to like, but I didn’t connect with it as much as the previous albums. A part me of the disappointment is that I half expected it to be a little country (especially since one of the songs he released was with Chris Stapleton), but even as a pop album (or whatever genre you want to label it) I can’t get myself to really like it. Maybe I just need to give it time and have Top 40 radio brainwash me into liking it.

His halftime show was amazing though. I think if you weren’t so much a Eagles/Patriots/Football fan, you watched the superbowl for the half-time show…. and the commercials. A majority of the songs performs were hits from the previous album. A part of me was wishing/hoping NSync would pop out and do “Bye Bye Bye”, but it was still good.

Chris Stapleton/Justin Timberlake “Tennessee Whiskey – So after seeing the video for JTs “Say Something” feat. Chris Stapleton , the video for their 2015 CMA performance came up on my youtube feed. I had seen it before a while ago, but found myself watching it again and it’s made my top-10 songs that I’ve been listening to. There’s something about this song that just digs right into your soul, and with JT in it… when he comes in with that second verse. Oh. em. gee. I just about died. Plus, I like Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey. ūüôā

Jordan Peterson “12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos: This guy is a clinical psychologist at the University of Toronto. I first heard about this guy after husband showed me this youtube video of him debate this journalist. Then I started hearing him more and more in podcasts that we listen to like Joe Rogan, Adam Carolla…and while it seems like the left doesnt like him as much, I started reading his book and I think it’s great. Granted, I’m still on the first chapter, but it has definitely made me reflect what I’m doing in my own life and has an interesting outlook on things…like on why you should always have good posture, and clean your room before you start judging others.

Anyways, I hope you all have a great rest of the week!

Until next time….

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Entry 57: Cherishing Embarrassing and Annoying Moments

So I keep having these dreams where I’m having conversations with my dad. It’s normal conversation, him asking me where I’m going, where my dogs are, or if I could pass him the soy sauce. Then I wake up, confused, and then sad after realizing that it was a dream.

My dad’s stroke was pretty bad. He had a stroke on the left side of the brain which affected the right side of his body. On the plus side, he’s out of the hospital and at a rehabilitation center. According to my mom, he’s made a lot of good progress.

I’m going to get religious here for a second. This whole thing with my dad has made me realize that while there are things that we can resolve on our own, there are some things that we just have to¬†¬†(as Carrie Underwood put it) let Jesus take the wheel.

It takes a certain amount of humility to accept this, and acknowledge one’s powerlessness and reliance on a higher power that is.¬† And so, I’ve been doing a lot of prayer these past few weeks, not in a resentful Why God ?!?¬†kind of way, but in the way that is trying to understand that while I may want my dad to bounce back to normal and live forever, everything is in God’s hands.

Praying has made dealing with things a little better, but it still sucks.  I have come to the realization that things  will probably never be the same. Conversations will never be the same.   Which is funny that this is the thing I feel myself missing considering interactions with my dad would always annoy me, especially the older I got.  When I was younger, we would laugh at his jokes, but as I grew up, my patience for his cheesiness and his foreignness waned, even causing embarrassment when we were in public.

During a visit to the desert,¬† my dad asked a lady at the grocery store if she was Mexican. She was bagging our groceries and looked at my dad with confusion, like she wasn’t sure what she just heard. She was black.

Are you Mexican? He repeated himself. She gave him another confused look, perhaps thinking she hadn’t heard right considering his thick Filipino accent. I tried to get him/us out of the grocery store before he could ask again.

Dad…. Dad!!!., lets go.¬†¬†

He repeated his question a second time, this time slowly as if he was being considerate of his imperfect English.  Are you a Mexican? 

Dad! Lets GOOO!

This time, the grocery store bagger had heard him, but fortunately didn’t make anything of it. She smiled and shook her head¬†no, probably giving him a pass for being old and foreign.

As we left the grocery store, I was embarrassed. Why was it necessary to know what ethnicity she was?¬†You don’t just ask people weird questions like that.¬†I told my dad.

I was curious. I just wanted to know. 

But that was my dad for you, and even though I was frustrated and still feel myself feeling a little riled thinking about it, at the end of the day – it doesn’t really matter. Now I find myself saddened by the fact that I might possibly never have an annoying conversation or embarrassing interaction with him again.

So, if I can provide some word of advise,  it is this: cherish the people you love for everything they are, including that which is annoying, embarrassing, and imperfect. It is these things (along with the good stuff) that make a person who they are and what you might find yourself missing, like I feel myself missing with my dad.

Things I like this week

Peaky Blinders Season 4 – This show is great if you like gangster shows and like that era of 1920s Birmingham (even though I read that the real Peaky Blinders existed in in the 1890’s). The cast is amazing, and Tom Hardy makes a few appearances and I love me some Tom Hardy.

Chapstick – So I didn’t realize how much I love chapsticks and lipbalms until I was cleaning out my bags and found a handfull of them in a few of them. Opening my linen closet, I found a few unopened ones. Generally I like¬† Chapstick Total Hyrdration or the Vaseline Lip Therapy (in Cocoa Butter); those two make my lips feel like it took a big sip of water and keeps it staying hydrated for longer than the normal chapstick. I did end up opening the Sun Bum Lip Balm in Coconut, and while this doesn’t have as long of a lasting hydration, and it goes on smoothly and smells like Hawaiian Coconut Shaved Ice.

Robert Mondavi Cab. Sav. Bourbon Barred Aged – I generally like Robert Mondavi wines, but this particular wine intrigued me because of the whole Bourbon aged thing. After a few days, I completely forgot why I thought it was special to begin with and mindlessly opened the bottle while watching tv, took of the sip of wine, and was like…¬†oohhhh.¬†My attention immediately went from the tv to how delicious the wine was.

Things not to get:

Lip Scrubs –¬† I was always intrigued with lip scrubs, and ended up caving and buying one from Ulta that was supposed to be the flavor of Watermelon. Don’t bother with buying. It doesn’t even taste that great and doesn’t even do a great job of scrubbing your lips and taking all the dead skin off. You’re better off using a wedge of lemon coated with sugar.

Anyways, I hope everyone has a great rest of the week. Nothing new is going on with me. This is the week I go to Costco. I know, so exciting.

Until next time…

 

 

Entry 52: Do you need some chapstick?

I’m not going to lie. This past week has been rough. Every day, I’ve been going to the hospital to see my dad who is still in a hospital bed even as I leave to go home. One thing has happened after another, complications have been coming up, keping him there longer than I thought he would be.

Why can’t old people just go like in The Notebook? Just live to like 100 + years old, and fall asleep when the time comes. I know,  I realize that I’ve just ruined the ending for those of you who haven’t seen it, but it’s a movie you should’ve already seen a million moons ago. I’m not going to apologize

But life isn’t like a movie; it’s rough and full of challenges, and not everyone has a Ryan Gosling in every scene of their life.

Hospitals aren’t like Grey’s Anatomy, either.  Dr. McSteamys or McDreamys are not running all over the place saving lives. At least, I haven’t seen any at the hospital my dad is at. Not that that matters in this situation, and it really shouldnt surprise me. Im just saying.

Real life can suck, and dealing with aging parents and their health problems definitely forces you to experience life in such a way that can make you thoughtful about things, reset your priorities, and change perspectives on life.

If you have held the perspective that Ive been taking this with stride, I would say that is partly true, but it is also partly due to my ability to put up a front. There are times when I feel like I have found acceptance with the situation, but then not even 5 minutes later, am not sure how to deal.

I had one of those moments when I was sitting by the ledge of my dad’s hospital room one night,looking at a window that saw darkness and I started to cry.

I was drained and upset, and ultimately feeling alone. Like I was in this big ditch I didnt know how to get out of.

It was at that moment that some nurses walked in to check up on my dad.

Nurse:  Oh no. are you okay? do you need anything ? tissue? chapstick? 

Me : maybe some tissue since my makeup might be smeared

I suddenly became self-conscious over the fact that I might have chappy lips.

DI look like I need chapstick?

I didn’t need chapstick, a nurse had explained. It was just something they had a stash of and were offering me in comfort. But still, even after they left, a part of me was concerned over having chapped lips.

I found myself searching for one of my 3 chapsticks that I had at hand, and by the time I found one of them and  satisfactorily hydrated my lips, my need to wallow in the previous feels had subsided

Maybe it was coincidence, maybe it was fate, but the nurses coming in when they did reminded me of the fact that we’re never really alone. Even though it might feel like we are, we are all linked somehow, we just got to let ourselves to be vulnerable in order to be helped, and also help when we see people who might need it.

A lot of emo thoughts going on there. On some more positive note, some things I like:

Pho – This past week I’ve had pho 3 times. Seattle has perfect pho weather. There is one good pho spot in the desert, but it’s so warm in the desert, you give off so much heat after leaving the restaurant from the carbs and the heat, that it’s not as enjoyable.

Godless – I’m only on episode 3, but it’s great. I’m glad Hollywood is making a few westerns.

The Magicians Season 2 – It’s like Harry Potter goes to college. I’ve killed through Season 2 on netflix this past week that I’ve been here. It’s not the best show, but a good show to help you pass the time in between the shows that you’re waiting for.

Top Pot Doughnuts  I’m also not a doughnut person, but I had one bite of this doughnut, and my eyes literally rolled back.

Anyways ways, I hope everyone has a good rest of the week . I will be heading home to the desert, but am hoping to make it back within the next month or two.

Until next time.

 

 

 

Entry 49 : People Just need to Chill

The other day, I was at Costco, waiting for the light to turn green so I could leave the parking lot. I left enough space between myself and the car in front of me so I wasn’t blocking people from turning into this particular parking aisle that I was by. This car, drives by me (and the 10 other cars behind me) in the right turn only lane, and then cuts in front of me in my own lane.

People are bitches. I mean, there’s bitches all throughout the year, but it seems like right when Thanksgiving is around the corner, they come out in full force and don’t go away until the New Year begins. They’re fighting for parking spots, fighting for apple pies at Costco, arguing about returns, cutting in front of me when I’m trying to be a decent human being and leave space so I’m not blocking a parking aisle.

People need to chill. You’ll get your damn apple pie at some point, and if someone took the last one at Costco, I think you will survive. And I don’t know, maybe the universe is telling you didn’t need that pie, that you should maybe walk off that anxiety and burn off those calories that you would have gotten if you got that apple pie. Just an idea. You’ll probably feel better afterwards.

And that toy that you’re fighting through the lines for and getting angry at everyone else for getting it before you, does this child you’re buying it for really need that toy?¬† really? I mean, Jesus got gold,¬†frankincense, and myrrh (I had to look up how to spell the last two) You don’t hear any stories about him complaining about why he didn’t get whatever cool toy Jewish kids played with back in the day.

I’m not saying that everyone is horrible during the holidays, there are just those who sometimes forget the whole meaning of Christmas and become dicks to everyone else.¬† It’s the holidays. Instead of getting your panties all crinkled up in a bunch and stuck up your butt crack over trivial things,¬† enjoy your family, enjoy the spirit of Christmas, and don’t be a dick by cutting in front of me.. . Also, use your blinker… and put your shopping cart back in designated places instead of leaving them everywhere on the parking lot for the wind to blow into another car.

::End rant::

On a more positive note, I spent a few minutes of my day reading up how Meghan Markle and Prince Harry got engaged. Thank you Meghan Markle for ruining one of the few chances left out there for single women (or married if they want to be shady) to become a princesses.

I’ve also started to put up Christmas decor in my house and playing Christmas music. Husband would always stop me when I used to talk about Christmas in August. This past year, I locked up that excitement til Thanksgiving was over… well, okay, maybe a little before then, but still… I waited for a long time, and now it’s coming in full force.

Until next time….

Entry 48: Being an Introvert

The other morning, I was in my room, waiting for my house guest to leave for work.

I know, it’s¬†my¬†house and I should be able to go out to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, but it was also 6am and my house guest can be extremely chatty, even in the wee hours of the morning.

I’ve wondered why she’s chatty. Is it because she thinks I¬†want¬†to chat? That because I don’t have much person to person contact on a daily basis, that I¬†need¬†to chat? I mean, I say ‘hi’ to the gym receptionist and interact with the Target cashier when she asks me how my day is, but at the end of the day, do I look like I’m friend deficient?

After the first few days of her stay, there was a decline in my ability to keep up in conversation.

Are you okay? I’m concerned because you’re not acting normal.¬†

The truth is, I’m an introvert, and while I can be extroverted for a short moment in time, I can’t make a marathon of it. ¬†I found it funny that after a few days of knowing me, she thought that being chatty was normal for me.

Perhaps she wanted me to open up about my life, tell her my deepest secrets, and then become joy luck club sisters. I don’t know. The thing is, I’m pretty selective about who I really open to, and even then, I don’t do it quite often. ¬†It’s a trust thing… so if you’ve seen me ugly cry. Congratulations. You’re a part of my selective ugly cry squad.

Every girl needs one, ¬†a group of girls – with maybe a gay guy mixed in there – who doesn’t judge you, will drink wine with you, eat mochi cake, and candy while your waterproof mascara runs down you face. In light of Thanksgiving, ¬†my go-to gals are the best and I’m forever thankful for them.

I know, it just got emotional there, but you know what – finding amazing friends is a beautiful thing

Anyways, it’s almost Thanksgiving. Husbands mom and stepdad are coming into town soon. I’m been trying pretty hard to clean up the house, but can’t clean the spares til house guest leaves in a couple of days. Husband’s mom likes to clean while she visits, but my goal is to have her visit us and¬†having nothing to clean

As for things I like :

Gigi Hadid Mabelline lip.¬†¬†They upped the price for her Mabelline line (because of her name) and it made me hesitant about getting anything from her in the first place. ¬†You can get somewhat of the same thing for less but I did get her lipstick. It’s surprisingly smooth, and moisturizing if you want to spend the extra $3-4

Starbucks – Holiday Drinks!¬†¬†It’s still hot in the desert (highs in the 80s), but gets cold enough in the morning to get a warm drink. My favorite part of the holidays is the peppermint drinks at Starbucks.

Christmas Display – I’ve been really good about not getting excited about Christmas too early, but ever since Michael’s and Target put up their displays in their stores, I’ve gone out of my way to peruse the aisles and just be… ¬†with my Peppermint Coffee from Starbucks. I can’t wait to decorate after Thanksgiving.

Quay¬†Sunglasses. While a lot of the country is battling high winds and rain and storms, I’m on the market for new sunglasses.

Anyways, that’s it for know. I hope every one has a great rest of your week. ūüôā Until next time.

 

 

 

Entry 47 : Halloween!!!

I’ve never been a big Halloween fan. I like passing out candy and seeing what cute outfits kids dress in (And what clever and slutty things adults dress up ¬†in) . Yea, I probably wore some slutty outfit at some party during some point in my early 20’s, ¬†but in general I was the girl who preferred to wear the “This is my Halloween shirt” to Halloween parties, or cat ears, because that was easy.

I know what you’re thinking,¬†Where’s your sense of excitement and fun?¬†To which , I don’t really have a good response to give you. I admit that I’m pretty lame – I read for fun, but I’m totally okay with that. So if you have a problem with that, well – whatever.

I do like dressing up my dog.

1924197_626470675688_4535_n
Gage, circa 2008

I don’t think he enjoyed it very much.

One thing that I heard on a podcast and read articles on after hearing this podcast is that some moms are trying to be sensitive as to what their kids dress up for Halloween, for fear that it might be seen as cultural appropriation.   

I didn’t even know this was a thing. Granted, I don’t have any kids, but I have friends that do and often think on the decisions I would make if I had any. ¬†Personally, I wouldn’t be offended if a white kid wanted to dress up like Mulan or an Eggroll for Halloween, and would be okay with my kid dressing up like Elsa, but apparently there are others who think otherwise and are like, white kids need to back off Moana.

The way I see it, everyone’s culturally appropriating everyone. There are fashionable ponchos sold at Nordstrom. I almost bought one. Are native Americans offended by ponchos sold in Nordies? If so, Nordies better take that off the shelves.

The solution if you don’t want to offend anyone? ¬†Dress your kid up like a rubix cube, a lego block, or Nemo. Those are pretty neutral and would be equally cute.

But yea, it’s Halloween is next week, which means, it’s almost Thanksgiving, which means… it’s almost Christmas.

How I feel about Christmas.

It really doesn’t seem like Fall in the desert since it’s still in the upper 80s , but I’m reminded that it is because of the pictures of yellow leaves and rain that everyone else is posting on social media. So thank you for that.

Random things that I like this week

“Havana” – Camila Cabello : This song has literally been on repeat the past few days.

Revlon Colorstay Foundation – I’m on a foundation kick and decided to try this out. This youtuber listed it as one of the best drugstore branded foundation… and omg, it hid my freckles with one layer and left a nice matte finish.

Zuchinnis

Walking Dead – The season premiere was this past week. Given the choice between Sunday night football and Walking Dead, we chose walking Dead, especially since the game was pretty boring by halftime.

This is Us – I know I’m one season late to the game, but omg! how is it possible to cry so much in one episode?

Until Next time….

Entry 44: Sit, Stand, Kneel, Don’t Show Up – You Can’t Win

This flag/anthem controversy is everywhere

What I’ve concluded after listening to political podcasts, reading articles, and watching the news is… you can’t win. If you sit, kneel, don’t show up –  to the right, you’re linked with Colin Kaepernick and you’re not honoring the flag. If you stand and disagree with the kneelers, sitters, and non-showers, to the left you’re somehow linked with Trump who represents racism and bigotry and everything against free speech.

I was watching this news blip on how the Cowboys tried to strategically stand with the NFL in their protest, while honoring the flag. They had meetings days before the game with everyone on the team to try to figure out how they could get their message out, without offending anyone. They ended up kneeling before the anthem even began and got boo’d, and then stood during the national anthem. It didn’t matter that they stood during the anthem,  taking a knee regardless of when the knee was taken, was associated that with Colin Kaep. and the NFL, and that didn’t sit well.

Another player from the Steelers, Alejandro Villanueva stood at the tunnel during the anthem while his team were in the lockerroom..  I heard some people, including people in his team, thought it was disrespectful he didn’t stay in the locker rooms with his team.  But if he hadn’t, people from the Right would wonder why he didn’t stand.

You can’t win. Someone, somewhere is bound to have a problem.

I brought up this point earlier in the week  about how it’s funny that people can have so much in common, get along so well, can laugh, watch ‘This is Us’ and cry about it together, go out and have a beer, but the moment when disagreeing politics or religion comes into play – they become enemies. People get so passionate about these two topics, that the commonalities that had once linked a fellow human being to another becomes forgotten.  Until disaster strikes, then humanity kicks in for a few moments… although even then people can be mean with their whole “God is taking away all the Trump supporters with the Hurricanes”.

I think it’s important to remember in the midst of this divide, that an individual’s convictions are products of their experiences and social-economic background that has defined their values and fears. But at the heart it, they are people just like everyone else : they pay bills, have to work a job, watch Game of Thrones and were all like What the Fuck when Hodor died, and experience emotions of love and anger just like every other human being.

That being said, I stood for the anthem when it came on at the bar I was at last Sunday.

I stood…not because I’m racist or don’t believe there’s issues that need to be addressed, or don’t believe in freedom of speech, or am product of white privilege (which someone can explain that to me if I am)  and I didn’t vote for Trump (really I think he should just his keep mouth shut and not tell private entities what to do and focus on not being such a horrible President), but I stood because of my values and conviction in what the flag represents. While I will respectively disagree with those who don’t stand, I come from a standpoint of understanding that even though we may have differing opinions, that doesn’t make anyone who disagrees with me a lesser person than me. I believe we’re all trying to push for a better future for the country and don’t think that there’s a person out there who is doing what they’re doing with the mentality that they want to bring America down – except for extreme terrorists. That’s another story.

Anyways, that is all for now. I probably stirred some pots, some people’s cursor  are probably hovering over the ‘defriend’ button, but not before they write a comment on how I am incorrect . They’ll type in the last sentence saying  something like “You’re horrible for standing and you don’t understand the struggle of the black community because of white privilege”.  then they’ll defriend me a half a second after they hit the send comment button. Or maybe they won’t comment at all and just de-friend me.

I really hope people don’t de-freind in real life me because I stood; I can be fun and personally think I’m awesome, but what can you do…it’s not the end of world…  you can’t win with people sometimes.

Entry 43: Becoming Older… and Apparently More Parent-y

Every Sunday for me and my family is Football Sunday. And when it’s not football season, it’s Walking Dead Sunday, and then Game of Thrones Sunday. And if neither of those shows are on, me and husband look at each and are like, none of the shows we like are on… what do you want to do?¬†At which point, we filter through HBO, Prime, or Netflix, and if nothing on those services appeal to our interest, we watch Big Bang Theory.

Luckily, we have not faced that roadblock since it is football season. This past Sunday night football, we had a few friends over, and extended the invitation to a few friends of a friend.

At the end of the night, one of the extended friends, who is 23 years old, was like¬†you guys don’t have any kids? (A :¬†Uhm, I think you would’ve seen them if we did) ..oh… cuz you guys are like.. parent-y.

I don’t think he meant it in a negative way, or at least I certainly didn’t take it that way. The only reasons I can think of why he said it was maybe because a. we’re a whole decade older than him or b. we’re good hosts and fed him.

Whatever the reason, in my head – I was like,¬†parent-y? when did that happen?¬†Especially since I myself don’t think I have the maturity of a parent, let alone an adult. Maybe if I showed him my adult coloring book collection, or the hello kitty socks that I have in my drawer, he would think otherwise.

Or not.

Earlier that evening, a commercial came on for The Voice.

23 year old : ¬†I don’t even know who the black chick is.

Me: That’s Jennifer Hudson… she was on American Idle

::Blank stare::

I have accepted that this will happen more and more the older that I get: having to explain pop culture and events of yesteryear that will be met with blank stares. I am anticipating that the day when I have to explain who NSync and the BackStreet Boys are will come fairly soon. It will be a day that will hurt my heart, but one which I will gladly take the time to explain the cultural phenom that was.

It makes me think about how my teachers in high school tried to explain world events that they lived through – like the Berlin Wall coming down. Or how my mom’s face would light up whenever she saw Donny Osmond on tv , and how I myself met them with stares of¬†yea, I know you’ve lived through this, and I can see you feel a certain way, but I can’t exactly share your emotion.¬†

Ehh, it is what it is. It’s all a part of getting older… and becoming parent-y .. I suppose.

Until next time…

 

Entry 27: Getting a Job

Earlier today, a recruiter called saying he had an opportunity that he thought would be good for me

When’s the earliest you can start?¬†

The question made me anxious, mainly because making snap decisions is against my nature. I like to brew on things, look at things from all angles and possibilities before making a decision. While in some instances this can be good, ¬†it tends to over complicate things that don’t necessarily need to be over complicated. Like, do I want chocolate or vanilla ? I don’t know. It depends, is there a possibility that the chocolate could potentially get on what I am wearing? or get on my face? There’s so many factors!

So when posed with the question of when I could start, in my head I was like,ahhh I don’t know! I have to think about this. This is a lot right now!¬†

Instead, I heard myself say “Monday.”

After I hung up, I felt a little uneasy about it. I didn’t feel uneasy about the idea of getting a job, per se, but the fact that the idea didn’t really get a chance to settle within me. ¬†There’s so much to brew on when going through life-changing things. Like the fact that I’ll have to do my workouts after work, and that I have to be more efficient with everything I do because I won’t have the opportunity to take my time doing things or take a nap.

It’s funny though, how whenever I’m working, I don’t want to work, and when I don’t work, the idea of working seems all the more appealing. If only there was a job where I could just get paid for doing something that would allow me to take naps whenever I wanted.

Anyways, I’m probably over-complicating it all. Everyone has to deal with juggling life, and while I have been fortunate to have not had to work these past few months, it’s something that I’ll have to figure out. On the plus side, maybe now I can go ahead and just get my instant pot that I’ve been wanting for months now.

Until next time….

Entry 26: Going to Confession

Have you ever found yourself making deals with God/Jesus?

 I used to do it a lot in my younger years

Please Jesus, if I get an A on this test – I will give the next homeless person I see $10. 

or

God, if you please let this happen, I will promise to go to church 50 times in a row

A majority of my prayers revolved around grades and boys, issues detrimentally important to the teenage me.  However,I came to the realization that asking God to fix my grades and boy problems was kind of ridiculous in the grand scheme of life.  Why would God care about why ‘Steve’ didn’t say hi to me when I passed by his locker?  or help me get a 4.0 in everything,  when there were kids dying in Africa? The older I got, these negotiating prayers occurred less and less.

Last week, I found myself bargaining with God for the first time in a long while. It had been a rough week, one that I promised God if this gets better, I will go to confession. 

I won’t go into details of how or why it was rough, but by Saturday – it did get better and I found myself faced with the question of whether or not I should actually go through  with what I had promised. Technically only God knew I made the promise, and he was forgiving of everything… so that meant I didn’t have to go right?

The truth is, I don’t particularly like confession. It’s kind of like going into detention, but not. Instead if a pruc to a priest, the one person you’re supposed to put your halo on whenever your see them.

I ended up going, and while I was at first anxious and scared, it was a liberating experience, as it always is during the handful of times that I had done it.

It did leave me with a few thoughts: why are old people the only ones who usually go to confession? Is it because they’re nearing the end of their life and they think oh shit, I need to be as sin-free as possible before I die ? I suppose those who don’t see the end of life in sight, don’t have that same sense of urgency. Or perhaps the importance of religion and going to confession has faded. I don’t know.

What I do know is that confession has always been something I feared, in part because I tend to avoid facing and coming to to terms with my imperfection.