Entry 32: Case of the EX

I’m instagram buddies with an ex-boyfriend who had broken my heart when I was 22. I suppose it’s to prove that I have no ill-will towards him, but whenever I see a picture he had taken posted on my feed, I still feel a hint of the pasts’ bitterness gurgling at the pit of my stomach.

What a fuckin idiot. 

Our breakup (while putting me through 9 months of post-breakup ugly crying and questioning my own self-worth) actually led me to a more blessed life, but as much as I try – that bitterness still lingers.

The thing is, I don’t want it to be there. I want to be able to think of that time of my life – the love, the heartache, the depression – and be okay with it, to acknowledge it without negativity, because life did turn out great despite not knowing how I would be able to go on.

Taylor Swift is known for writing songs about past relationships. It’s probably very therapeutic for her, but it makes me think that the reason for my animosity is because it’s all pent up… in the crevice of my heart somewhere. I guess I should try letting it out more?

Anyways, until next time….

 

Entry 32: Case of the EX

Entry 31: Where are All the Hot Lawyers?

TV totally skews how people are supposed to look like in real life.

Cops are supposed to be hot.

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Doctors are supposed to be hot.

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Lawyers are supposed to be hot.

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Everyone is supposed to be hot. 

But in real life, are they really?

That’s Hollywood for you, implanting ideas of hotness, and even though I know what tv is intentionally doing to my thinking, I constantly find myself looking for that hot doctor or lawyer in real life, only to end up disappointed when he doesn’t exist.

Case in point, this past week I got summoned for jury duty. As I walked through the doorway, past security and into the main hall, a quick scan of all the suited professionals showed lawyers in outdated suits, and white hairs. No hot ones. Even when I was questioned for my jury selection, the lawyers that sat in the paneled table were old, weathered, and out of shape; nothing like the people that played them on television.

Do I want Hollywood to change they’re casting to reflect what real life doctors look like? I don’t know. While it is a mis-representation, a part of the reason why people look to television and movies is for that time-out from the real world and for that ability to somehow be vicariously in these alternate realities where everyone is attractive and have some scandalous or exciting thing happen to them. People may not want to admit it, but I think it’s true.

Anyways, I’m currently digging the show “The People Versus OJ Simpson” . Season 1 is on Netflix, and Season 2 is currently on FX. I was a little hesitant about watching it at first, but sometimes truth can be skewed by the narrative. I ended up watching it anyway and am hooked. They nailed down the casting for Marcia Clark and Johnnie Cochran and while I was so sure that I knew the facts of the case (I was in 5th grade when this all happened), the show definitely presents some interesting details behind the story. Definitely recommend.

Until next time…

 

Entry 31: Where are All the Hot Lawyers?

Entry 30 : The Best You Ever Had

This girl that I had been friends with since … I don’t know for how long, married a guy who – back in college, offered me the best oral sex  that I would ever have in my life. We were at a party – which, anyone who knows me, knows that in college I very rarely went to these things or went out at all. My typical weekends consisted of studying and doing homework that wasn’t due for weeks. So the very fact that I was at a party was out of the norm for me.

It was the first time I had ever talked to him. I want to say that I saw him around school, but I can’t be completely sure since my face could always be found buried in textbooks.  What I can say is that at this party he was wasted and I was not,  which perhaps helped to further en grain the moment into long term mermory. Whether he had been serious or had been joking, I don’t know, but perhaps if I had been completely drunk, the offer might have been remotely tempting. Maybe.

I get that everyone does stupid crazy things when they’re younger. Someone might be able to quote a time when I did something stupid. (or not, because I was a goody goody) but now, 10 + years later, this memory is still the first thing that pops into my head when I see him or hear the mention of him. It was the first thing I thought of when my friend said she was dating him, going to marry him, and then going to have kids with him.

That guy is going to be a dad. 

It’s helped that me the girl don’t really hang out anymore so I haven’t had to have those thoughts about her husband running through my head, but whenever I do see them,  I’ve tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. He probably doens’t remember since he was so drunk,After all, just because he offered me the best oral sex experience of my life, doesn’t mean he is a bad person. Right?

Entry 30 : The Best You Ever Had

Entry 29: TV and A Newfound Obssession with UFC

I missed the Grammys last Sunday. It was a decision between Walking Dead and the Grammys, and I chose Walking Dead.

I’m wondering if there are others like me who find themselves in a dilemma when it comes to deciding what show to watch. It is a dilemma which, I have faced many times before: Do I watch Monday night football or… the presidential debate? Game of Thrones or …CNN covering a President’s speech?

Lately, my show of choice (when asked what I want to watch)  has been anything UFC. It’s a thing that has just recently perked my interest.  I think what fascinates me about it is the fact that two people in a fenced octagon arena made the conscious decision to get their asses whooped.

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Granted, they  do get paid, but it’s definitely something I wouldn’t be able to do, unless it was to save the world from an alien invasion.   Then it becomes the right thing to do and I’m all about doing the right thing.

To start with, where does all that anger come from? A past girlfriend who cheated ? Daddy abandonment issues? And how do you get punched in the face so many times without not wanting to just crawl in fetal position and think of happy thoughts like ice cream and sunshine to make pain will go away? Because that’s what I would do.

Besides that, I do not tolerate pain well. One time, I cut myself accidentally with a knife and was yelling bloody murder when my husband tried to wash the wound with water from the sink. So if I was put in the situation where I had to fight someone, I would tap out even before the fight began, or with one hit – I would purposely fall to the ground if the hit already didn’t put me there, and then tell myself to stay the fuck down. It’ll be over soon… I think.

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This brings up the issue of me not being able to defend myself. Thank goodness I’ve never been put in the situation where I’ve had to, but if someone were to start a physical fight with me, I don’t know how I’d be able to defend myself, if we were just relying on my non-existent combat skills.

What I need to learn are those pressure points that (when poked) completely render the opponent helpless. Haven’t you seen those movies where one person is getting beat up and all seems lost, until they touch their clavicle and then the enemy goes to sleep? Yea, that’s what I need to learn and then I’ll be all good.

Anyways, some television shows I’m digging now:

The Magicians on Netflix/Sci-FI – It’s like Harry Potter goes to college

Taboo – Half the time I don’t know what’s going on and when Tom Hardy speaks, its mostly of him grunting, but Tom Hardy is fine as shit and walks around with no pants or no shirt (not both), so you know.

Walking Dead – Part II of the season premiered last week. It was kind of slow, but I’m interested in seeing what happens.

Legion – This is supposed to be Xmen related. The first episode grabbed me, but I have to keep watching to formulate a good opinion

Humans – Are they human, or are they not? I don’t get why it’s not obvious to the humans in the show that the ones who have overly green animated eyes are not human.

Anyways, that’s it for now. I know, it’s a lot of tv. Maybe it’s indicative that I need a life? I don’t know

Until next time…

Entry 29: TV and A Newfound Obssession with UFC

Entry 28: Did I Make the Right Choice?

This morning I got a phone call from a recruiter saying that I had gotten the job that he submitted my resume for and that my start date would be on Monday.

Congratulations!

The thing was, I didn’t feel too excited about it.  It was happening too fast, too soon, and I would hardly call accounting work as something I’m passionate about. I know what you’re thinking:  Why even agree with letting the recruiter submit my resume to begin with? The thing is, I’ve been trying to figure out what I want. I’m 30-something and still have this dilemma. Ever since I was younger, I wanted to write. Later, I found a love for taking pictures. If I’m being honest, those two things drive my soul and burn a fire within me, but the question has always been – could I make something out it?  Whether it’s because of my fear of failure or something else, I never could quite figure it out how.   So I took jobs that paid decently, but truly didn’t make me happy.

When I moved – it was like a fresh beginning for figuring out what I could do that would make me happy, but am conflicting with my want to be able to make money, buy things, and go places. After all, this is what our culture drives into our psyche of what success is. I have been internally conflicted with this.

So this morning, I accepted the job, and a few hours later – called the recruiter back saying that I couldn’t take the job due to personal reason. I have probably severed any chance of getting a job through this agency again and am left questioning whether I made the right choice.

I feel bad that I wasn’t more honest to begin with, but it is done. I can’t go back , but I’m left with no job, and am still at the place where I’m still trying to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life.

Is it weird that I’m reaching to the internet for advise and a cyber hug saying that it’ll be alright?

Anyways, until next time….

Entry 28: Did I Make the Right Choice?

Entry 27: Getting a Job

Earlier today, a recruiter called saying he had an opportunity that he thought would be good for me

When’s the earliest you can start? 

The question made me anxious, mainly because making snap decisions is against my nature. I like to brew on things, look at things from all angles and possibilities before making a decision. While in some instances this can be good,  it tends to over complicate things that don’t necessarily need to be over complicated. Like, do I want chocolate or vanilla ? I don’t know. It depends, is there a possibility that the chocolate could potentially get on what I am wearing? or get on my face? There’s so many factors!

So when posed with the question of when I could start, in my head I was like,ahhh I don’t know! I have to think about this. This is a lot right now! 

Instead, I heard myself say “Monday.”

After I hung up, I felt a little uneasy about it. I didn’t feel uneasy about the idea of getting a job, per se, but the fact that the idea didn’t really get a chance to settle within me.  There’s so much to brew on when going through life-changing things. Like the fact that I’ll have to do my workouts after work, and that I have to be more efficient with everything I do because I won’t have the opportunity to take my time doing things or take a nap.

It’s funny though, how whenever I’m working, I don’t want to work, and when I don’t work, the idea of working seems all the more appealing. If only there was a job where I could just get paid for doing something that would allow me to take naps whenever I wanted.

Anyways, I’m probably over-complicating it all. Everyone has to deal with juggling life, and while I have been fortunate to have not had to work these past few months, it’s something that I’ll have to figure out. On the plus side, maybe now I can go ahead and just get my instant pot that I’ve been wanting for months now.

Until next time….

Entry 27: Getting a Job

Entry 26: Going to Confession

Have you ever found yourself making deals with God/Jesus?

 I used to do it a lot in my younger years

Please Jesus, if I get an A on this test – I will give the next homeless person I see $10. 

or

God, if you please let this happen, I will promise to go to church 50 times in a row

A majority of my prayers revolved around grades and boys, issues detrimentally important to the teenage me.  However,I came to the realization that asking God to fix my grades and boy problems was kind of ridiculous in the grand scheme of life.  Why would God care about why ‘Steve’ didn’t say hi to me when I passed by his locker?  or help me get a 4.0 in everything,  when there were kids dying in Africa? The older I got, these negotiating prayers occurred less and less.

Last week, I found myself bargaining with God for the first time in a long while. It had been a rough week, one that I promised God if this gets better, I will go to confession. 

I won’t go into details of how or why it was rough, but by Saturday – it did get better and I found myself faced with the question of whether or not I should actually go through  with what I had promised. Technically only God knew I made the promise, and he was forgiving of everything… so that meant I didn’t have to go right?

The truth is, I don’t particularly like confession. It’s kind of like going into detention, but not. Instead if a pruc to a priest, the one person you’re supposed to put your halo on whenever your see them.

I ended up going, and while I was at first anxious and scared, it was a liberating experience, as it always is during the handful of times that I had done it.

It did leave me with a few thoughts: why are old people the only ones who usually go to confession? Is it because they’re nearing the end of their life and they think oh shit, I need to be as sin-free as possible before I die ? I suppose those who don’t see the end of life in sight, don’t have that same sense of urgency. Or perhaps the importance of religion and going to confession has faded. I don’t know.

What I do know is that confession has always been something I feared, in part because I tend to avoid facing and coming to to terms with my imperfection.

 

 

 

 

Entry 26: Going to Confession