A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about insta-stalking an ex-boyfriend, and how I wished I could look at that time of my life, without feeling animosity.
Well, funny story – I ended up having this dream a few weeks ago that the ex-boyfriend was trying to get back together with me; he was remorseful over all the hurt and suffering he had caused me, and blah blah blah.
In my dream, I felt conflicted; I was getting what I thought I wanted (him groveling back to me), but it wasn’t at all satisfying. Like, I was happy and didn’t want to give up my life with my husband, who in my dream was played by my real husband. lol. Have you ever had those dreams where somebody is supposed to be someone to you… like a spouse, or a best friend, but it’s role played by someone else who is not that person in real life?
Anyways, even though I felt really confused in my dream, I woke up happy. If dreams are supposed to be a pathway into the psyche, what I think my psyche was telling me to get over it. I have to admit a small part of me wished that at some point in life, he would realize that he had fucked up on the best thing he had ever had and would pine away eating ice cream and getting fat, but to be honest – the dream made me realize that none of that even matters anymore. While getting my heart broken was not fun, I should look at it as a blessing, one that opened a pathway to a better me, an awesome life, and a studly spouse.
So there, no more holding grudges for something in the past.
Until next time…
I’m instagram buddies with an ex-boyfriend who had broken my heart when I was 22. I suppose it’s to prove that I have no ill-will towards him, but whenever I see a picture he had taken posted on my feed, I still feel a hint of the pasts’ bitterness gurgling at the pit of my stomach.
What a fuckin idiot.
Our breakup (while putting me through 9 months of post-breakup ugly crying and questioning my own self-worth) actually led me to a more blessed life, but as much as I try – that bitterness still lingers.
The thing is, I don’t want it to be there. I want to be able to think of that time of my life – the love, the heartache, the depression – and be okay with it, to acknowledge it without negativity, because life did turn out great despite not knowing how I would be able to go on.
Taylor Swift is known for writing songs about past relationships. It’s probably very therapeutic for her, but it makes me think that the reason for my animosity is because it’s all pent up… in the crevice of my heart somewhere. I guess I should try letting it out more?
Anyways, until next time….
Every time I listen to that Chainsmokers song We Ain’t Never Getting Older , I cannot but help but think – These guys are going to be sorely disappointed, because they’re going to get old and have to Adult and figure out how to get their shit together.
I don’t even know if that’s what that song is about, but those are my thoughts.
You’re probably thinking, Uhm…I think you’re bitter because these artists are younger than you and have a one-hit wonder, and you’re only on entry 22 on a blog no one really reads and don’t really have a job right now so…